..it's like..everything you thought you once knew..
became so un-clear..
Everything that's been happening.. I dont know what i did to welcome this all into my life. It's never been like this-nor, am i prepared for things like this..it's like yelling at a passerby for spilling the paint.. so unprepared and so confused.. School used to be my second touch down safety zone where i could huddle with my friends and talk about the cute new things in nordstroms or where we'd make funny sound affects and faces-- and just..laugh. There was no worrying about he said this, she said that, did you see the way she/he looked at you, ..basically, i wouldn't have to think about all this negative stuff. One bad thing after another has been happening to me...maybe,
...Maybe..i've run out of luck..
..but whatevers happening, it's hit me hard. All this confusion makes me want to cry.. i'll admit it, i do. Sometimes it seems like the only solution. But im stronger than that. Ironic thing is, i would usually run to my friends if i'd ever be in such a situation..no thats not the ironic part..what's ironic is.. they're the ones that set this confusion, lets point fingers, lets gang up on one person thing loose. What do you do..
when no one has your back? When the people you want to run to ..to get away from your problems are the ones your running from? It's like i've lost support.. like i've lost a match.. i feel like hiding in a corner.. because.. honestly, i do not enjoy being yelled at or accused.
..These are my words. Sometimes they come out wrong. Dont hold me to anything. Im trying to get rid of some of the negativeness. So, please. Please, dont take this offensively. You know if this concerns you or not. Some people i have now seen the udder inner beauty to.. those who reach out, when they see a single itty bitty sign of sadness in my eyes. If i set you loose in my heart, then you'd feel the pain i feel. I just dont understand anything anymore.. I find myself saying.. "but, wait, i thought.." "why would she/he think..." "why would she/he do that.."
Maybe. Maybe i should lay low. Like as if nothings happened. I try and put the barrier up and smile, but that doesn't work anymore--i find it crumbling mid-day.
..i dont want to feel like this..i have to give things time..time will tell. Everyones goes through those turning points, its my turn. Yes, i go threw those too. I'll be gone soon, maybe things will get better for all these people..
if only, 1. if only 1 of those people reached out to say, you know..im sorry. But, i've run out luck right? So.. here i stand.
..and here i stand alone.
Thank you for the advice from some. It helps when everythings drawn a blank. | 